On Wednesday evening, the Center for Women and Men hosted Laughing Through the Tears: An Evening with Jessie Kahnweiler, the first of a series of three events honoring April as Sexual Assault Awareness Month on campus.

Wednesday’s event featured Jessie Kahnweiler, an L.A.-based actor and filmmaker who performs a one-woman comedy show addressing her experience as a rape survivor and how it affected both her sexuality and her identity.

Kahnweiler started by briefly introducing herself and her film, Meet My Rapist, a comedy about a hypothetical situation in which Kahnweiler runs into her rapist in a market.   In the film, she features her rapist as the most important man in her life, as she takes him to dates, job interviews, and even her parents’ house.

Her humorous tone with which she talks about her experience as a rape victim is her way of telling her story in the most honest way that she can. “There’s just these crazy situations and I almost just feel like to get through it, you have to laugh. And I really put it out there — not trying to make a light of it or make it a joke -— but really just be honest about my experience,” she said.

Kahnweiler then discussed how making the film contributed to her healing as a survivor, but it negatively affected her future romantic relationships.

“I created this rape monster,” she said, “I felt like I was in a prison, but I had created that prison.”

One day she realized that her rape and the film that came from it had had helped shape who she had become.

“I’m so freaking grateful to have been a survivor and having an eating disorder because it lead me on a path to really loving myself and understanding myself and connecting with better people and their vulnerability,” she said.

Kahnweiler then presented her new upcoming film, The Skinny, a dark comedy film that explores bulimia and eating disorders.   She discussed the inner conflict she felt being a feminist and having an eating disorder.

“Because I wear my feminism on my sleeve, I’m so happy to be a feminist and I love being a woman my idea of it was: if I’m going to be a feminist then I need to be strong and I cant be vulnerable and cant have an eating disorder, I know better than that,” she said.

After going to therapy, however, she found that she had a lot to work through, including facing her own eating disorder and experience with rape.

“For the first time in my life, it didn’t feel crazy to be vulnerable, it felt crazy not to be.  I had this new sense of purpose, coming out and wanting to share my story,” she said.

It was then that she decided to take on bulimia and body dysmorphia for her next video project.  Making this film wasn’t easy, however, and because people were not buying her script, she decided to do it herself.  She raised the money through Kickstarter and shot the pilot episode in her kitchen.  When someone told her that they had thought it was funny, yet incredibly sad, Kahnweiler said she felt validated.

“I would rather be honest than be skinny,” she said, “Either I’m honest and real and vulnerable and have a creative life, or I’m skinny.”

Kahnweiler also talked about how creating her own experiences have helped her in shaping her identity.

“As a survivor you feel like you are a symptom of your experience. I feel like having awareness and taking action and thinking about being vulnerable about those experiences is really just strength. The more awareness you have, the better,” she said.

Laughing through the Tears: An Evening with Jessie Kahnweiler is the first event of a three part series sponsored by the Center for Women and Men to raise awareness for sexual assault.

“A big part of us having this awareness month is to start talking about these issues, thinking about them and thinking about how they can get involved to be the change for our culture,” Dr. Ekta Kumar, the director for the Center for Women and Men, said.

The next event will be on April 28, featuring playwright Heather Marlowe who will be performing The Haze, a solo about how rape cases are handled in the San Francisco area.  The final event is Denim Day, which is an international day that encourages people to wear denim to support survivors of sexual assault and increase awareness.