Dear Bagel, 

I started calling you Bagel because bagels are my absolute favorite thing in the world. Then I realized a couple of days ago that I also named my iPhone Bagel. I promise to love you at least a little more than I love my phone.

Our second trimester is almost over, can you believe it? We’re almost in our senior year of pregnancy! It still doesn’t feel real even though it’s about to get the most real. I have to admit some days I still can’t comprehend that I’m gonna be a mom. It often feels like I’m a surrogate or Handmaid (not sure this reference works, I’m still too scared to watch the show) for some woman in the future. But it’s so fucking cool that that woman is me. I am forever grateful that you chose me to be your mom.

You technically came into existence when your Dad and I were visiting Mexico City. I guess between all the Mezcal, tacos, art, architecture, and fresh fruit you were like ‘Yeah, I’m down for this.’ So please don’t be too bummed when you pop out during the relentless October heat in Glendale, California. But don’t worry we’ve got plenty of culture here too. You’re gonna love The Americana.

We’ve created some amazing memories during the second trimester: early-morning swims and late-night dance parties, where it feels like we’re the only two people on the planet. I also love being out in the world together, showing you my favorite things: local hikes, foreign food, silent meditation retreats, and gossiping with friends beneath a blanket of stars. And who could forget all the acid reflux and lightning crotch…during work presentations. I wouldn’t trade any of these memories, even the uncomfortable ones. I love showing you that these are the moments that make up a life.

I want to personally thank you for being the best excuse to get out of any social or work obligation. Turns out, pregnancy is the new Covid. It’s the easiest way to bail last minute on anything with absolutely no questions asked. So many thanks for your service.

I always knew you were a girl. I felt it in my bones. Now that doesn’t mean you will always be and I promise to support whatever gender expression you choose. But I gotta tell you when I think about having a girl I feel a surge of ecstasy. It just feels so right. Besides, I can’t imagine going through all this for a man.

I’m sorry I fell asleep during your 20-week anatomy scan. The ultrasound room was really dark and cozy and truth be told I’m just not really a details person. Don’t get me wrong, seeing a close-up of every organ was amazing (your Dad cried!) but feeling you grow from the inside out is a much more spiritual experience for me. I’m also sorry that when I saw the 3D picture of you my first thought was that you looked like E.T. You’re beautiful and perfect and if you come out looking like E.T. I will be the happiest alien mom that ever was. Whenever we go in for these scans I am overcome with a sense of wonder and always leave the doctor’s office eyes wide, mouth agape, practically floating as I ask for my parking validation.

Thank you for helping me heal my relationship to my body. You’re really starting to take up space with no apologies and I find myself humbly following your lead. After a lifetime of sucking in my stomach it feels so good to own my belly and let it all hang out. Every night, as I rub oil over my soft belly, thick thighs, and big butt that serve as a foundation, strong as a tree, to hold you, I find myself in awe of the intelligence and grace of my body. Even with all the growing pains, it feels like a noble act to use my body for something beyond myself. I feel like I’m in a RomCom and my body is like the best friend who I finally realize I’ve been in love with all along. All this body love is a deeply surprising but welcome pregnancy symptom. So thanks, Kid.

Thank you for bringing me to my knees (literally and metaphorically.) You’re teaching me that sometimes you can do everything ‘right’ and things still suck ass. For example, when you find yourself barfing at 2AM only to realize you’re also peeing yourself. Pregnancy is great training for having a kid as I hear nothing will ever be in my control again.

Thank you for all the fun hormones, they make me feel like I’m back in college snorting lines in my cramped dorm bathroom at 4am. The highs and lows are real: One minute I feel like I’m at a rave and everything is love and the next I’m so rage-filled I could move a city bus with my bare hands. My dreams are next-level psychedelic and I begin most mornings sipping my half decaf Americano wondering what the hell happened last night. I feel like I’m going through puberty again…13 going on 40.

I’m sorry for any anxiety or other yucky feelings I’ve passed on to you during pregnancy. Pregnant women get fed all this societal pressure to be 24/7 Zen machines which is just not realistic for your dear ole Mama. My deepest hope is that along with the intense feelings, I’m also teaching you that anxiety is not dangerous but a normal part of being a human. There are bound to be thunderstorms in life (and assholes in Teslas who refuse to use their turn signals) but I pray I’m teaching you that there’s nothing you can’t get through without a good raincoat.

You’re gonna have the best dad in the world. I know everyone says that but in your case it’s true. I waited a long time to meet someone worthy of being your father and this motherfucker was definitely worth the wait. This dude was born to be a dad. Judging by how he treats our cat, you’re in for the most gentle, patient, and loving male presence known to man.

Your Dad and I fell in love quickly during a global pandemic but our love grew slowly and sturdy these past few years. We’ve been through some really scary times (a story for when you’re older) But we got through it together and built a foundation I’d bet the house on.

Lately, our favorite game to play is who is Bagel gonna be like? You’re your own person of course! But it’s fun to imagine which traits you will inherit. Will you make the messes like your Mommy or clean them up like your Daddy? Probably somewhere in the middle. You’re the missing piece in the puzzle of our family. Our lil crew is now the most important thing in my universe and I promise to cherish, nurture, and protect it with all my heart.

Like all first-time expectant parents, I vow to delay screens for as long as humanly possible but eventually, you’re gonna discover Google. I definitely won’t be your first search but eventually, you’re probably going to see a lot of my work online. I know I’ll embarrass you with my millennial cringe and desire to constantly express my most personal issues for all the world to see (‘Seriously Mom? Another movie about r*pe?’) but I hope you internalize on a deeper level that you are free to express all parts of yourself and that no thought or feeling is ‘too much.’ I’m proud of how honest I am in my work and life and always want you to feel that same freedom. Like farting in yoga, it’s never my intention to make people feel uncomfortable, but it happens. Shame takes hold, that old feeling that I’ve done something horrible just by being myself. I promise to never ever make you feel this way AND I know I’ll fail BUT I’ll never stop trying to be your safe space where all parts of you are celebrated. My deepest wish for you is to speak your truth and let it heal you. I can’t wait for your punk album dedicated to how much your Mom sucks — I will blast it in my minivan and only humiliate you further.

I promise to always be there for you but I also promise to leave you the hell alone! I vow not to overschedule you; To give you space to play, to find your flow, and to be bored. Being bored is an essential part of becoming who you are.

I promise to do my very best to see you as a separate person and not as an extension of me. That’s way too much pressure for any person. No one will love you like I will but that doesn’t mean you owe me anything. Even though you’ll probably be a Libra, it’s not your job to keep the peace. It’s not your job to take care of me or soothe my feelings. Your job is to be a crying baby, bratty kid, moody teenager, and grown-ass woman.

Speaking of crying, it’s one of my favorite hobbies and I’m sure I will cry in front of you. But hopefully, you will learn that crying is healthy, cathartic, and essential! I’ll always be there if you need someone to cry to. I also highly recommend your Dad.

It took me a long time to learn to trust myself. I hope you get there quicker and I will do everything to help you connect to your gut. I hope to teach you that your intuition is sacred and your best compass in life. I want you to trust it and follow it all the way home.

I will try to impart to you that life is a fucking trip. The best you can hope for is to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. Acceptance will be your best friend in this life and the quickest shortcut to serenity especially when it comes to dealing with your Mother 🙂

I will cherish the rest of this time when it was just you and me. These golden afternoons driving home from the pool, ugly crying and blasting country music. I can feel you rolling your eyes in utero. I’m sorry! I can’t help it! Sometimes it’s too much, the lifetimes of love I feel for you. I can already feel you breaking me wide open.

So you keep cooking, my delicious little Bagel and I’ll keep taking you swimming and feeding you ALL the cheese. I’ve never been more excited to meet someone in my life. I feel starstruck! And this is coming from someone who once asked Chloe Sevigny where the bathroom was.

There’s part of me that fears life is about to be over but a deeper part that knows with you in my arms, life is just beginning.

Love,

Momma