1) SKIP DINNER – skipping La Comida won’t instantly flatten your stomach. I’ve never been roofied but I imagine it feels somewhat like 3 Chimay’s in an empty belly. Even the Olsens split a pickle before drinking their body weight in Vodka Red Bulls (okay to be fair it’s probably a diet pickle)
2) CHECK YOUR PHONE EVERY MILLISECOND – It’s the quickest way to make you look both bored and boring.
3) SHAVE YOUR LEGS – Knowing you, you’ll rush through it and drag that rusty pink plastic blade over your gams slicing ’em up and down. With no band-aids in sight, you’ll have to use toilet paper to blot your legs, making you look like a total cutter, and let’s face it…cutting was so last year.
4) GO EASY ON THE “HAVE YOU SEEN’S?” – Limit yourself to a few “have you seen’s” throughout the evening. I know you want to impress him by referencing that Ukrainian documentary on Fascist-sniffing worms you fell asleep to last week but heel. You’re artsy, off-beat and underground — he gets it.
5) TURN YOURSELF “OFF” – It’s 8 o’clock, the office os closed. There’s no room for small talk on your big date. He’s not going to get you that promotion and doesn’t care what color your parachute is.
6) MAKE FUN OF THE BAND – They’re his friends and they’re playing a free show at Spaceland and they’re fucking terrible. An occasional saracastic smile is totally okay but mentioning they’re the musical equivalent of tepid diarrhea in between songs probably isn’t the best way to showcase your passion for the overall ” artistic process” (please eat dinner, it will vastly decrease your chances of saying shit like this). Suck it up, sip your beer, and do the white girl head bop. If you need to fake looking intensely interested why not contemplate your recent impulse purchase of jeggings?
7) INTERVIEW – I know you want to keep the witty banter flowing like lava, but slow your roll with the constant questions. If he’s worth it, you’ll have plenty of time to find out how many siblings he has, if he enjoys being tall, etc.
8) JUMP OUT OF THE CAR – Don’t mistake him saying “he had a good time” for “get the fuck out of my jeep”. He’s not calling in a bomb threat at the food court – no need to run! Turn the hazards on and sit a while. I know you want to be the cool-fist pump “thanks for the lift dude I gotta jet” chick but balls up, admit you want him to think you’re pretty, and look into his face when asking if he wants to go get ice cream (no, not PinkBerry, shit that actually melts)
IRONIC ART PROVIDED BY : BANKSY
