You’re pregnant! Mazal Tov! Now strap in for the ride of your life.

I’m not sure if you’ve seen the front page of the New York Times but I am with child. And despite being 39, I truly consider myself a teen mom aka I know nothing. For example, I was Googling “How are babies made?” while one was being made inside me. They say ignorance is bliss but I feel like I began my pregnancy completely in the dark. And while the dark can be fun it’s also kind of scary. To be fair, I’m sure many of my pregnant friends tried to warn me but I was too busy not being pregnant to listen. Nevertheless, here’s everything I learned in my first trimester of pregnancy, or as I like to call it freshman year of pregnancy.

You will not believe it

You!? Pregnant!? No way. Your test must be broken. Your body must be April Fool-ing you. There’s simply no way. Even your Mom doesn’t buy it. Her first reaction to the news over Facetime is “Are you sure?!”

As the initial shock dissipates, you’re flooded with all the feelings: awe, gratitude, terror. This has been a dream for so long like winning an Oscar or having a refrigerator entirely dedicated to beverages. And so this thing that women have been doing since the beginning of time becomes this crazy novel thing. Because it’s not women getting pregnant, it’s you.

The whole getting pregnant thing is a lesson in trusting something beyond yourself. You realize that your dreams never have a chance of coming true if you don’t have the patience to wait for them. You don’t get pregnant right away like some of your friends and honestly thank G-d. You’ll need this nugget later when you’re face down in your own hormonal vomit at 3am because yeah bitch you really did want this.

You will be in awe of your body

You and your body have been through so much. You’ve been pretty reckless in the past: good drugs, bad boys, you’ve truly done it all! And despite what you’ve put your body through, you can’t believe that your own flesh and bones are now creating human life. I mean, you used to have a tongue ring in your body and now there’s a whole other heartbeat in there!

You don’t regret your wild (and unregulated) past self but look back on her with so much fondness, like an old camp friend. You truly love your path, despite all the potholes (or perhaps because of them.) You come to believe that all your scars only make you stronger and that you’re already teaching your baby that resilience is more valuable than perfection.

You always saw pregnant women as pure saint-like beings but you’re learning that you don’t have to be a golden ether of light to be pregnant, you just have to be yourself.

You will grieve that your childhood is over

Being the youngest sibling and still wearing mostly shorts, you’ve been able to fool yourself into thinking you’re still a kid. But you’re about to be an adult with a captial A. You’re gonna be responsible for keeping another human being alive. And unlike your cat, she’s not going to be able to clean her own butthole, at least not right away. Shit is about to get REAL.

Even though pregnancy means new life you can’t stop thinking about death. You realize there are so many people you love who aren’t around anymore and who will never know your daughter. Even though many of them have been dead for years, there was a part of you that still believed these people were gonna show up again. But you’re pregnant and they’re not calling or coming by the house. They are gone and you are all grown up. You allow yourself to feel the grief because it’s a way of saying to the dead you are still so alive in me.

And while your childhood is in fact over in some ways it has just begun. Yeah you have to pay taxes but you also get to PLAY again like your life depends on it.

You will puke every day

Everything makes you sick. Eating. Not eating. The smell of your cat’s food. Even the thought of cat food. You’ll puke up things you didn’t even think it was possible to puke up like water and air.

You’ve heard of morning sickness but that is just irresponsible marketing as you soon discover it’s also afternoon, evening, and middle of the night sickness. You feel like you’re being poisoned from the inside out. You assume, based on how horrible you feel, that you must surely be pregnant with Satan or at least a Republican.

You puke in the bushes in Mexico, on the plane to Austin, and on every major freeway in LA county. You try to remind yourself that you’re pregnant and your soul is on cloud 9. But your body is in hell, right here on earth.

You quickly remember that you and vomiting have some history. You were bulimic for 10 years and have been in recovery for even longer (thank G-d) but puking this much again brings up all your old baggage. Puking feels good which then feels bad! You’re triggered AF! It would be like telling an alcoholic that they need to have a beer every day of their pregnancy.

But you stay the course and by week 2 of puking every day you no longer feel a sweet nostalgia for purging. Vomiting is violent and just plain rude! You’ll let nature take its course and keep barfing but you won’t like it and that in itself will feel like a win. And even though vomiting this much can feel like you’re right back to being that sick and suffering 20-year-old girl sneaking a puke in wherever she could, you recognize that’s no longer your everyday reality. You realize your daughter will only know you in recovery and you think if G-d does exist it must be inside that sentence.

You’ll look so hot

Despite stuff coming out of every hole, you’ve never looked better. Glowing skin, juicy boobs, flowing hair. You’ve got it going on girl! Unfortunately, the only person who is looking at you is your cat. Have your boyfriend take lots of cute pics on days you’re feeling up for it.

You’ll want an abortion

Nausea, exhaustion, cramps, insomnia: The first trimester is not for the faint of heart. It can feel like you’re trapped in the prison of your body. Your brain will brainstorm all sorts of colorful ways to stop what it feels like will be endless suffering. Is there some sort of temporary coma you can be put into until it’s time to push? Will your boyfriend notice if you get an abortion?

These thoughts can feel scary but the more pregnant folks you talk to the less ashamed you feel. The key to this isolating rumination, like most things in life, is having friends you can walk the path with arm in arm.

Anyone who says they enjoyed every single moment of pregnancy has obviously never been through a first trimester! (Seriously, good for you but I am not interested in being friends.)

Also abortion rights will hit on a deeper level. This is hell and you actually want the baby. You couldn’t imagine going through all this and not wanting to be pregnant. You remind yourself we must fight like hell for a woman’s right to choose and castrate anyone who doesn’t agree.

You will cry at everything

Everything will make you cry: cheesy commercials, Peloton classes, driving past a hospital, random little boys hugging at the park, The Chicks cover of “Landslide”, and any song that uses the words strong, breathe, and woman.

You will feel totally alone

Despite your immense support system, pregnancy is a solo gig. In the wee hours of the morning as you stumble to pee(again) you can’t help but feel so lonely. Even your boyfriend doesn’t understand. He’s truly your dream partner but ultimately he doesn’t fully get it. At the end of the day, he’s just a dude with a penis.

People will disappoint you. They won’t show up for you in the ways you deem appropriate (Why has no one thrown you a parade?!) Some folks will pull away while others will call you every day. It’s not personal. I mean it’s the most personal but also it has nothing to do with you. Be in the flow and let them come and let them go. You realize the people in your life are like a symphony, everyone plays their unique part. And the song of your life is beautiful.

You will not suffer in silence

You will not be a martyr. Your doctor will ask you how you are feeling and you will tell her the truth. You will remember that real strength is asking for help.

You’ll become a poet

Everything will seem very deep: driving past a cemetery, an IG post from an EX who is not your baby daddy (thank G-d and no offense!) You suddenly feel really connected to dirt: it humbly grows nourishing our entire ecosystem. Why do we not praise the dirt more? You are tapped into the cycle of life. Bitch, you’re the Lion King!

Your old way of doing things won’t work

You can’t hustle, push through, or girl-boss your way through this pregnancy. Soft is the only way you’re gonna make it through this. You embrace your feminine side or at least start drinking tea. You stop competing with an imaginary version of you that has it all under control. She doesn’t exist. You surrender. One millisecond at a time.

Your intuition will go into hyperdrive

Despite all the nausea, your gut has never been more clear. You become repulsed by certain foods and certain people. Trust it.

You repel from drama like the plague, there’s simply no room in your life or your uterus!

You remember that boundaries do not need to be announced to be practiced. You can simply opt-out.

You won’t poop

You will get constipated. When you finally do take a good shit it will feel on par with hearing your baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

You will finally understand the dynamics of men + women

It’s simple: Men hate women because deep down they are jealous that women can create life inside their bodies. Men literally start wars because they feel useless in compared to the cosmic miracle that is a woman.

Men hate us ’cause they ain’t us. Even when it’s hard, pregnancy is by far the coolest thing you’ve ever experienced (and you’ve been to Bonnaroo!)

This theory may be an oversimplification of society but you know one thing for certain, men don’t know shit about grit. No one should be in a leadership role, least of all the President of the United States of America, if they haven’t survived the first trimester.

You will still compare yourself to others

Your friend mentions he just did a triathlon and is producing a movie in Costa Rica. Big whoop. You literally grew an eyeball today.

But old voices will kick in. You are definitely not doing enough. You should be writing more. You’re not producing anything besides vomit. You wonder, without my accomplishments, do I even exist?

You realize you’re actually still here. And that you exist in relation to others. You’re someone’s girlfriend. Someone’s mom. And it’s time to be of service. This growth isn’t vertical like a corporate ladder but horizontal. You’re stretching yourself…literally! Making your life panoramic. And the view is amazing.

You will learn how to say no

You will reply to most things as follows: I’m sorry I don’t have the bandwidth right now. Full disclosure I am pregnant and just trying to get through the day:)

It will work every time.

You will finally respect your mother

Your mom did this pregnant thing TWICE. She did it in the 80s while being a working woman feminist force of nature. She did it before pre-natal yoga, nausea medication, and the Flo App. Your mom is Wonder Woman.

You will fall deeper in love with your dude

There he is: Making you baked potatoes, fetching you the good kind of Coke (Mexican in a bottle!) and on a particularly desperate and constipated Friday night giving you an Enema. You keep exposing your most tender and terrified parts to him which you fear are so poisonous you’ll give him radiation but he just keeps hugging you and telling you what a great mom you’re gonna be. You’re still not so sure but honestly, what can’t you do with this care bear of a human by your side?

People will say some crazy shit to you

You don’t look bigger than you normally do

You will miscarry if you go anywhere near the eclipse

Home birth or bust!

If you get a Nanny they might kill your baby

If you do daycare they might kill your baby

You need to have your career completely figured out before this baby comes

You millennials and your ‘genetic testing’

You and your boyfriend are gonna hate each other

How come you’re not married?

When are you getting married?

Why aren’t you married?

Get married.

Though it feels impossible some days, try not to take anything personally. People are just trying to help no matter how unhelpful the shit they say is.

When the world gets really loud, go to a quiet corner, hold your heart, and breathe. The peace of mind you’re looking for is inside you. When it’s just you, your boyfriend, and your belly, shit gets really simple. You’re a family now. And you’re gonna get through this together.

You will blow your own mind

You’re gonna keep blowing your own mind with your power. In your darkest hour, you cry out, I can’t do this for one more second. But then you do….

Your pregnancy is an opportunity to humble yourself to your own humanity. This shit sucks. But you will lean into your deepest reserves and onto your people. You will eat intuitively, nap exclusively, and be happier than you ever thought possible.

You feel a deep inner knowing that when it comes to you and your kid, it’s so fucking on.

Is the second trimester too soon to find her a good therapist?

PS This is not THE pregnancy experience just MY pregnancy experience. Like all my work, please take what you like and leave the rest.